ACCOUNTANT: A professional who can tell you exactly what you are worth and then immediately deducts from that amount by telling you what you now owe him.
BANK: A place that lends you money after you fill out copious forms and painstakingly proving that you don’t really need it.
BUDGET: 1.) Living within your earnings not your yearnings. 2.) A method of going broke methodically.
BULL MARKET: A random movement in the stock market that causes an investor to believe that he’s a financial genius.
CREDIT: 1.) Negative money that is spent like actual money. 2) Buy now, pay through the roof later.
CREDIT CARD: Plastic apparatus allowing you to buy things you cannot afford, so the economy can continue to run on the lack of money.
DEBT: A mysterious type of money that multiplies automatically.
ECONOMICS: The only field in which two people can get a Nobel Prize for saying exactly the opposite thing.
ECONOMIST: 1.) A person who knows more about money than the people who have lots of it. 2) See also “Fortune Teller.”
INFLATION: 1.) Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 2) Paying $15 for a $10 haircut that used to cost $5 when you had hair.
FORTUNE TELLER: See “Economist.”