GIFTING 101

The month of December is all about parties and presents, which means finding host/hostess gifts for people we may not normally buy gifts for. That venerable standby wine may be a bit overdone…but it’s always acceptable, however you may want to give something more suited to the host’s interests or hobbies like a bottle of gourmet vinegar for the home chef; a unique picture frame for the proud mother; or a new set of paintbrushes for the artist in your life.
“Whatever you do, make sure it’s a gift that the hostess does not have to deal with right then,” says Cathleen Hanson, co-founder of the International School of Protocol. “For example, flowers are nice, but flowers are really not the best gift. The host or hostess has to drop what they are doing to deal with the flowers. Save the flowers for ‘thank-you’ bouquets.” One creative idea she suggests is to bring a gourmet breakfast basket, with a card with the sentiment that “you’ve entertained us tonight, tomorrow’s breakfast is on me.” But, she adds, “never, ever bring a dish to a dinner party without the prior approval of the host. Etiquette dictates that you make certain they do not feel obligated to use your present during the dinner party!”
When it comes to buying presents for family — both immediate and extended — William J. Doherty, Ph.D., and author of The Intentional Family, takes the psychological perspective with the goal of maintaining family harmony during this emotional time of year. In addition to his famed “Gift Selection Rules,” he offers “The Scaling Rules,” which state that: 1.) Husband-wife gifts are the highest in value, followed by parents to children. 2.) Parents with more than one kid should give each gifts of approximately equal value. 3.) Children should not give more expensive presents to parents than they receive. 4.) Treat parents and parents-in-law equally. 5.) Treat your married relatives’ spouses equal with your relatives. 6.) Siblings who live nearby and are part of one’s network should be equal, but distant siblings should expect lesser gifts.
Some large families choose to lessen the shopping stress by setting a rule of only giving gifts to the children. In the case of the modern extended family, when sending a gift to your child, it is acceptable — even advised — to send small presents to the child’s step-siblings. Unlike other relationships when a too extravagant present can be a social faux pas, when it comes to family, it’s often less expensive to be over-generous from the beginning than to have to make up for bad feelings after the fact.
Gift-giving has been called “the cement of social relationships” and that statement is never truer than with good friends, especially because these are usually the people you share your deepest, darkest secrets with — in good times and bad. Which puts the pressure on you to get the right gift. Sherri Athay, author of Present Perfect: Unforgettable Gifts for Every Occasion, says a gift-giver should always ask themselves the following: 1.) What does he/she wish for, but would never buy? 2.) What might he/she do if she had more free time? 3.) What places, people, pets, causes are important to this person? Now, take a deep breath and remember that gifts for friends are also your chance to have some fun…though maybe an actual gag gift may not be the best idea!
As you progress through the various wishlists in your life, you will undoubtedly come across some groups that are more complicated than others when it comes to gift-giving. Family…check. Friends…check. Neighors…hmmmm. These folks are an interesting lot. Some you love and some…well…but if you share a property line or elevator foyer with them, a small token such as home-baked cookies or a candleholder sets a nice tone for the coming year. “If you spend a lot of time with your neighbor, it would be great to give them something you can share,” says Dana Holmes, gift expert at Gifts.com. “A great example is a wine sampler with mini wines.”
Now that everyone in your personal life is taken care of, what do you do about your co-workers? Selecting the appropriate items for your boss, support staff, subordinates and colleagues — some of whom may cross into friend territory — is fraught with perils, believes Peter Handal, Chairman & CEO of Dale Carnegie Training. The first step to simplifying the shopping process and minimizing unforeseen consequences is to remember you are in a workplace and there are boundaries. “Don’t give alcohol,” advises Handal. “Try to stay away from personal items such as jewelry, perfume or clothing. Those things might send the wrong message. And don’t spend too much money. Expensive gifts may make the receiver uncomfortable. On the other hand, you can add a personal touch in the form of a handwritten note regardless of the gift’s value.”
“Generally it’s not appropriate for a subordinate to give a gift to a superior,” he continues. The exceptions to this rule are the executive assistant who wishes to give a small gift to the boss or if several colleagues organize a group gift.” At the other end of the corporate ladder, Handal recommends senior staff should make sure each gift to subordinates is of equal value…unless the employee has worked with you on a special project or is your executive assistant. “Another idea is to ‘gift’ a holiday party the whole team can enjoy,” he says.
When it comes to peer-to-peer office gifts, if you plan on giving to only a few co-workers, make sure to keep it private. “This helps avoid any uncomfortable conflicts,” says Handal.
And finally, there are two last tips to ensure a smoother holiday season: The first is to have some spare unisex gifts on hand, such as fine wine for when someone gives you a gift you weren’t expecting, or for when you find yourself in a mad rush for a host present for a last-minute party invitation. Lastly, if you do find yourself in trouble despite your best efforts, you can always redeem yourself after the fact with a well-thought-out handwritten thank-you note, perhaps with a small token gift attached. When it comes to gift-giving, it’s always better late than never!