Double-fisting egg nog and coquito during the holidays took its toll on my body. Unfortunately, I haven’t stepped foot in a gym since the President spoke with a Texas drawl. A month ago, I decided my local wellness center was the safest place to make good on my New Year’s resolution to get back into fighting shape. At least if my heart exploded, I’d be in a room full of medical professionals and they wouldn’t judge me for wearing a pair of meggings (yup, male leggings) while providing care. Truth be told, most of my first day back was spent chatting it up and observing behavior like Mr. Ethnographer Thor Heyerdahl rather than pumping iron like Mr. Olympia Arnold Schwarzenegger.
So I turned and asked an old friend who happens to be a mental health counselor (who at that very instance was busy bending her body into Warrior’s Pose before battling The Stairmaster) about the differences between male and female dynamics. What can I say? I was bored. Either because of exertion or annoyance, she yelled out: “COMMUNICATION!” Then she took a deep breath and explained that if you want something, you just have to ask for it. “Giving off a vibe and hoping your partner is a mind-reader could end badly for everyone involved,” she said.
“All you think about is food, drinks and how to get out of doing any work. Hey, did you know that exercise increases endurance, muscle mass and testosterone levels?
That’s key to every aspect of life, man, including landing a chick.”
Wow. That was insightful. Naturally, I felt compelled to change the subject: “So, let’s cut to the chase, I want $5 dollars to get a chocolate/peanut butter smoothie downstairs and I don’t think you’ll ever see a return on it.” Seriously…$100 for yoga pants and they don’t even come with pockets?! I don’t know where she kept cash on her, but in the end I got my loan and a free excerpt from her forthcoming book, How To Roll Your Eyes For Dramatic Effect.
Then suddenly, as peanut-buttery goodness danced in my head and my mouth began to water on my way toward the elevator, I bumped into my former personal trainer, whom I’d been ducking all day. He sounded disappointed. “You’re like the Bilbo Baggins of the bodybuilding world,” he told me. “All you think about is food, drinks and how to get out of doing any work. Hey, did you know that exercise increases endurance, muscle mass and testosterone levels? That’s key to every aspect of life, man, including landing a chick.”
Yeah, great advice, pal, but nothing’s standing between my “lord knows how many calories are in that thing” smoothie…and the best part is that I didn’t have to risk my life traveling on a raft like Thor Heyerdahl to know that navigating an hour at the gym can be perilous. But to be honest, I did realize shortly after chugging the smoothie I’d been waiting so long to taste that the key to finding true happiness is being comfortable with yourself and open to new ideas and points of view. And spending an hour at the gym is a great way to start on that road to self-love. Just not if it means leaving without a smoothie fix.
