Love Wireless

We compiled a list of some creative phone apps we dreamed up to spice up or smooth out your love life this month. Just don’t blame us if they leave a blemish on your V-Day plans or bend Cupid’s arrow. Read on at your own risk. And remember, these reviews are just for fun! None of these apps actually exist (yet)!
Text by Jacquelyn Benson | July 7, 2018 | Lifestyle

We’re all familiar with calendars, GPS, and being able to constantly update our Facebook status, but these days it seems like any need imaginable can be fulfilled by a clever phone app. Want your phone to randomly present you with funny pictures of cats? Done. Need a strobe light for spontaneous dance parties? You got it. With over 100,000 apps out there for iPhones alone, we decided to introduce you to some potential, yet-to-be-invented apps that would be useful for couples. Join us as we guide you on all the things that could possible go wrong (and right) with each.

The Guy-tionary
“Record or type in anything your man says,” the description promises, “and The Guy-tionary will reveal its true meaning.” Now I can finally find out what “Of course I’ll fix the garage door” actually means! Because it sure as heck doesn’t translate to “I’ll fix the garage door.” I entered it into this handy app, and got the following result: “Make me dinner.” Now that makes sense. There’s also an app for the boys, of course: The Gal-tionary. I took it upon myself to test this one out as well. “You’re wonderful,” I typed. After a few seconds, it replied: “Take me to Aruba.” Now that’s more like it! Somebody hack that thing off the web, and fast!

The Answerator (Beta)
This useful app promises to feed you the perfect response to every awkward question your significant other asks you. It started out great: “Did these pants shrink in the dryer?” The response? Well, it was a little awkward. “Honey, you get more gorgeous every day I’m with you. Let’s go jogging.” But things started to go funny after another couple of questions. Although I won’t disclose most of those examples, when I plugged in “Should I grow a beard?,” The Answerator (Beta) came up with a couple of lines from the theme song to Titanic. Sorry, Celine, my heart will not go on for this app. I guess they call it “Beta” for a reason.

The Pillow Talker
The idea behind this one is great: set it up to automatically send your significant other romantic messages during the day. Just imagine — you can be sensitive, romantic and attentive without even having to remember to take your phone out of your pocket! How cool is that? It’s even got a setting for how racy you want your messages to be. My man and I tested it out, but I couldn’t get the language setting on the stupid thing off Icelandic so I have no idea how romantic my sweet nothings were. What the heck is “þú ert fallegasta kona í heimi?” I stuck it in The Guy-tionary: “I want to put my carrot in your oyster-purse.”

Pocket Therapist
Don’t have time to drive to those weekly meetings with a professional? No need with this handy (unlicensed) app! Just load up Dr. Bob, pour your heart out, and wait for helpful responses like: “You need to love YOU!” or “Listening is heart’s greatest wisdom.” That’s what it told me after 20 minutes of complaining about the fact that every time he does the laundry, I lose all my socks. “At least he’s doing the laundry,” my sister told me, which made more sense. But every time I use her, I end up shelling out $25 for martinis.

The Last Resort
This one makes big promises. Check out the description: “Only to be used in absolute romantic emergencies, this app is guaranteed to turn you from packing your suitcase to packing in hours of sweet lovin’ with your partner.” I want to know how a phone app is going to save an otherwise irredeemably broken relationship. Even though (besides the lost socks and garage door problems) my guy and I are doing about an 8 out of 10 at the moment, I loaded it up. My phone started flashing disco lights and playing The Piña Colada Song. Hmmm…

The Night Shaker
Okay, this one had me curious. It was tagged with all the right words: romance, love, sexy, couples — and the site was plastered with raves from users. “Best app I have ever downloaded!” “OMG soooooo fabulous!” “Has totally saved my marriage like EIGHT times!” But for the life of me, I couldn’t find a description of what it actually did. Apparently there was only one way to find out. I shelled out the bizarre price of $6.90, downloaded and ran it. My phone proceeded to vibrate for the next 45 minutes. Definitely a keeper!